i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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