I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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