Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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