When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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