I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize