The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
