i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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