I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
