I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
