i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
