does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
