Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
