If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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