Just fell off a train. Bad.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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