i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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