chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
