Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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