Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I love you. Go after that dick
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
