i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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