remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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