You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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