dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
