A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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