hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
