I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
