I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
there was a trapeze. enough said
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
