plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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