He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sorry about my life...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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