need another drink. this is the easiest way
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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