Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
