I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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