I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
