I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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