also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize