You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
