Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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