The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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