I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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