I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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