How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
