one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize