Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
