you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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