Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
