My balls are so social today.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
