i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
