I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
