i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
