Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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