We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This is the high leading the old right now
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
