i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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