evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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