i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize