Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize