Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
