oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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