YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
