Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
