Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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