Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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