After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
