I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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